That sounds like you, AP but the LWs husband sounds like the former. The place is set up for meetings and conferences, has so many airline and flight options, plenty of cabs/Lyfts/Ubers, and staff at the facilities has run into every possible issue that can crop up. Just my two cents. Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). Two birds one stone! Where I was originally from in Ohio, there are schools that dont have proms because dancing is considered a vice, and thus shouldnt be promoted by a school. While we were there, her then-husband called and texted her literally every ten minutes. At least thats what happens to *me* at conferences whether theyre in Kansas City or Honoluhu. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. They just find more things to get worried about. OP, I really hesitate to use the word abuse when it comes to anyone elses relationship, but this post is giving me bad flash backs to a boyfriend who did this kind of thing to me all the time and I now know that it was psychological, emotional abuse and manipulation. Bonus was that the skills I learned translate to my professional and personal life *every day*. Your husband seems to think he has a say in whether he lets you go. I do think raising, where you live, and a worldly perception of Vegas play in. Note however, I dont think this excuses the employees OR means that its wrong to have a corporate event in Vegas. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. Its not particularly reasonable to expect a teenager to make scheduled check-in calls, much less an adult! It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. It can be challenging to know when to kind of cater to her anxiety (she is able to relax much better if I check the door locks before bed than if she does it, so I do it but never more than once a night), and when to decide that her worry about a particular issue has passed the point where I can be supportive and is just on her to manage (I refuse to provide reassurance for a 7th round of what if this offhand comment I made at work was overheard by the wrong person and totally misinterpreted and I get fired and then I cant find another job and then we lose the house?). But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. The compromise? Im so sorry, Emma. Work trips tend to not be fun because you spend the whole time WORKING and have no time to go out and have fun. vacation without ever spending a single quarter in a slot machine! But, because of Vegass layout & security, those places are no where near the big hotels/conference centers. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? You would have to go out of your way to find a casino, a lavish bar with topless entertainment, or an escort service. If it's me, I would prefer stay home and rest till the baby gets older and low maintenance Do it!! Sometimes its easier to understand from the outside by hearing other stories about how irrational thoughts can impact our lives. Women will agree with a spouse to avoid conflict. I agree. But instead of abuse and control and severely anxious the LW might be part of a cultural/ethnic subgroup where her role as breadwinner (and one that is doing well) that is a woman who is making more than husband is not the norm in her community and there is all sorts of talking/gossiping/pressure in the background at play. Go on the trip and have a drink while youre at it. Nah, its not legal in Reno either their county did not legalize it. . Not the least of which is that the people involved all made that choice for themselves there was no issues of someone letting or not. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. People watching! Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? Spiking drinks, assault, kidnapping happen in tiny places as well as large places. Here is the problem with appeasing people like OPs husband, whether they are being abusive or just needlessly anxious: they come to expect appeasement. This is a relationship problem, not a work problem. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. And Id highly recommend that book to the OP, so she can try to tease out for herself whether shes just got an insecure, underemployed husband, or one whos using jealousy as a control mechanism, at least in part so that he may remain comfortably underemployed. It feels as if the OPs husband is just latching onto the location as an excuse. Thats not out of reluctance to let either one out of their sights, but more because when they have the choice to be together, they will be together, and when its unavoidable, they make do as best they can. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. Someone with this kind of insecure, controlling behavior could be sitting next to you 24/7 and theyd be wondering what you were thinking, if it got to that point. I agree with you on the personal deal-breakers, but thats not the discourse thats going on here at the moment. by Alison Green on September 27, 2017. I never said anything about kiddnaping I had 3 seperate friends get sexually assaulted there. DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now). What happens in counseling is that the controlling spouse learns new language to gaslight and manipulate their partner with, and things get worse instead of better. But yeah, were both supportive of the other taking trips. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? Someone this uptight probably doesnt have friends. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. What if the wife had a job that required lots of travel, but paid well and allowed them to live a good lifestyle. This sounds like a difficult situation, so do whats best for you. OP, go on the trip. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. Stay at Luxor for dirt cheap, or Mandalay Bay for the pool. The duration of the vacation. I know this is a long-shot, but anyone else think theres a real chance that this is the employee from this thread: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html? Yet he says he would not even go without me. I suppose, trying to be as charitable as possible, I would agree that Vegas has kind of a skeezy reputation and I would prefer a reputable company to do the trip somewhere more wholesome. Not necessarily. And shes the main provider in the family? Like, people bring their own experiences to the table here, so might feel invalidated or defensive when its suggested its the other explanation. Of course shes going to say IM the one with a problem. I'm in the car right now with a 6-week-old on what is usually a 11-hour drive, which we broke up into two days with a night at a hotel midway. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. Your husband going on vacation without you is normal. I firmly believe in the dont be a dipshit rule of travel, and it has served me well. Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? However, as hes not likely to acknowledge his issues without some therapy, couples counseling is probably a sensible place to ask him to start. I care about your son's emotional health, the emotional damage he will suffer, when this emotional abuser of an ex tells his lies about you. People are able to manipulate their therapists, and there are also just plain bad therapists: what if the OPs husband is in therapy already with, for example, a religious provider who reinforces his moralistic fears about Vegas? My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. If it didn't work you were stuck with a super cringe photo until the next time you tried to get everyone together. Ioverheard mymother-in-law say, Did she really have nowhere else togo. I would idd consider flying. Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. He does worry about my safety. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. Its hard enough to be a single lady without constantly watching single ladies being attacked!! He is not being reasonable or rational, so dont even try to engage with him as if he is. And ate a lot of food. Its tough but definitely not impossible. This. An emotionally distant husband may often seem indifferent or indecisive about decisions: Vacation destinations. What about yourself? And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. OP, this is HIS issue, not yours. I agree with the counseling suggestion. Most people just went to Banana Republic and then did some karaoke. Group Leaders communicate with staff moderators and escalate potential violations for review, but they dont moderate discussions. This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. You cant change his feelings and reactions, you can only control your own. Significant others who mess with your career or education are bad news. Ive been to Vegas. You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. You need your job and you need a good career trajectory, even assuming you and your husband stay together and nothing different happens in the future. Irrational fears are just a normal part of life, especially in these days of social media and around-the-clock news coverage, but when they either start holding you back from doing things you want/need to do or start negatively affecting the people in your life, thats a sign youve stepped over the line of normal and should seek help finding that line again. I'm lucky that she slept for most of the trip, but you can't assume that a 3 month old will sleep for 14 hours. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. He was so untrusting, I wondered if I had made a huge mistake in marrying him we had only been together for a little over a year before marriage. Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. same. Absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder, it ruins relationships and I am 3 decades in. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy?. Yeah, there were some shady businesses. Meaning they side with the wife on this one. In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? It doesnt have to be automatically a negative-value-weighted word (which is admittedly hard for me to do because of my own bad background with a controlling culture and religion) but on the flip-side, I think we should not give cultural differences veto power to prevent us from calling out specific and tally-able patterns of behaviors that some people see as personal red flags or interpersonal deal-breakers. Go on the trip. It really seems like your husband doesnt trust you, and as AAM said, that is a relationship problem. Just a quick note to say can people please stop calling it abuse and then recommending marriage counselling in the same breath. That option smacks of trying to make OP appease her husband and HIS issues and that is icky. Originally Published: Dec. 27, 2015. I mean There isnta rash of kidnappings in Las Vegas, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas is an advertising slogan forcollege students and weddingparties, not a warning to spousesof business travelers. Yes, this. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. And my husband has two business trips of at least four days each in the next two months and Im rather thrilled. Its really hard to say without getting into his mind. And so on. Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. Especially if you think it is an anxiety-stemming thing, instead of a control-stemming thing. I think its one of the things that makes our relationship so strong. Yes, but even then, not a spouses authority to decide if hubby/wife can go on a trip, business or otherwise. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. So I do think theres a chance this is just a Vegas thing. OP, you should look at this exclusively as a problem your husband has, not a problem with work or the relationship. I think this is a little parochial, in fact. 27 Family Vacation Ideas for a Trip They'll Never Forget Not from the letter and not from the follow ups. (And hes questioning the motives of the company in having the trip in the first place? This is stuff you gotta ask yourself. I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. This is really weird and honestly, bordering on abusive (at the very least controlling). At the end of the day, the big problem with his indifference is the burden it puts on you to be the functioning adult in the relationship. Ive also recently spent a weekend away with a close friend at a lake for a swimming event, and numerous overnight trips to see my family or friends in other parts of the country. Couples counseling may be useful but controlling spouses are sometimes effective manipulators and in those situations couples counseling is a terrible idea. I just love when you have the oh you too? moment with strangers on the internet. No, its not, but again Im not just speaking out of my ass here; I have seen similar anxiety issues firsthand. One of my biggest gripes about Vegas is that most of the hotels wont allow food delivery carriers to deliver to your room. Oh sure, but thats why I specified business-class rooms, as in the 3.5 or 4-star Hilton/Hyatt/W Hotel, since those are the types of hotels that have attached conference/convention facilities and host large conferences. And thats Congo. Instead, let yourself feel what youre feeling without judgment orshame. Just the past 2 weeks Ive taken a 3-day hiking trip, completely alone, and also a trail running workshop weekend with a group of other runners. It makes me uneasy and I dont want to let her go. Friend: Uh-huh. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. Whoever heard of such a thing, going to Sin City for work! Agree with the advice for counseling. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. Learning new response skills can only help her overall situation. As Captain Awkward would put it: you have a husband problem, not a job problem. Even if he does have some kind of anxiety disorder, he needs to recognize that this behavior isnt reasonable in a relationship, and marriage counseling is a great way to work out problems in a relationship. Yup. Get yourself some counseling, with or without your husband (and explore whether or not this is the type of relationship that is healthy for you to continue to be in). (Im glad to report that years later she is completely reasonable and sensible about these things and I love her dearly!). I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. She should get out while she can, even if she has children. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. Last time I was there staying at the Cosmo some HR conference started in the hotel (funny as an HR person) He is seriously out of whack and I would not put up with him. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. -OPs husband, probably. If he gets therapy and can get his anxiety and toxic masculinity under control, that would be one thing. Ack. If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag. Things to consider!! Yes, he needs to settle down, and no, Im not suggesting she sacrifice her career because he is stressed, but it really is BOTH their problem. Hes a control freak who will beg, lie and manipulate every situation to get his way. Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. But it is a common business trip destination for the reasons others have noted and certainly poses no danger to anyone with common sense. When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. Yes, this. Also she is sole provider for family? Hopefully the comment section will help the OP see what is going on here. Your feigned hysteria of all caps and multiple exclamation points comes across like a rude caricature of people you disagree with. In Amish country. Mmm.. Ive only been to Vegas twice. She has a job where you travel, and to him that probably sounds like shes achieving well (and she very well is) when *he is not,* comparatively. Tell your husband to get a grip, and then yes, get some counseling to get over this anxiety. When I first started at my last full-time job, a coworker and I were both sent to Washington DC for a three-day conference to learn our jobs (wed both started around the same time, in a very niche legal field). It blows my mind that people see this as acceptable behaviour. And when your husband does things like that, why would you choose him over anything else? Nikada / iStock. I ate at the bars of a few nice restaurants. The smoke. Whether hes choosing them consciously or not, hes certainly trying to use them as a weapon to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants. I absolutely dread this. I can completely see how people who watched the sensational crime shows can imagine the world is terrifying, BUT its TV, *not* real life. In addition to marriage counseling, he or both may want to consider individual counseling as well. Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. Rooms were kinda cheap, and Im sure the convention center was cheap. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. All rights reserved. She is doing the heavy lifting in supporting the family and yet he wants to control and damage her control.

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