How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. That means theres a common ground there, even if its the size of a postage stamp. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. Not talking on cell phones, thats where. What?! Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. temperance But am I mad at her now? I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. Id love to hang out with her. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. But it was annoying. How to Make a Girl Chase You Over Text After Sex, mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter, reason is that hes trying to save his daughter, My Boyfriend And His Daughter Act Like A Couple (10 Solutions), Boost Your Friends Mood with These Short Positive Affirmations, Why Some People Are Jealous of Your Success, 110 Millionaire Affirmations to Attract Wealth, 10 Ways To Get a Busy Man to Make Time for Love, 51 Emotional Wellness Goals to Transform Your Life. Neither does your husband. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. In the last 2-3 years my husband and daughter have has a strained and tense relationship because of her actions and his attitude. It makes them feel safe. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! He is also very critical of both of US Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? Husband treats 15 year old step son badly : r/Advice But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. And not just to me and your husband. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! What is arguable? That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. Not knowing who the Beatles were, I thought it was something ABOUT beetles, and asked them Is it interesting? . Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. Also hi BGM. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. "If your family don't want to see both of you . Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. lets_be_honest Will he ever change? is the crux of your real issues here. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Unless you are from PA, of course. I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. I know from personal experience. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. He. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. I thought that was actually really funny. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. Well done, as always, my friend. WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. If he hadnt put in the time when I was a kid, I doubt wed have that relationship. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. Up to a point. When I was a kid, I shared a lot of interests with my mom, too, and not as many with my dad. Stepmothers on Strike: How Can Doing Less Save Your Marriage No. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. FIONA SAYS: Gently and with tact, though she's still likely to be upset. (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Taking the Keys Away: What to Do If a Senior Won't Stop Driving - AgingCare She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. She may still resent her father and you! I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. bittergaymark July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. Hah! Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. lets_be_honest . I think you are probably right. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. She is also noncompetitive. (I threw it all up and cried. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. In her mind, hes the only man who should be in your life and she may feel like shes losing him if you get divorced. temperance July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. July 2, 2013, 12:42 pm. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. I camped. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. Dad used people for his own good. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. THIS. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. You may not see the rewards right away. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. Show interest in his interests. Most of them are women. So, here is the thing. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? : r/AmItheAsshole And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? I would let him know that you are going to encourage her to hangout with him more, but he needs to also every once in a while do something she loves. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. Self-centered passive-aggressive husband driving me crazy I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) Jordan was my fave back in the day. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. From one mom to another. The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. The Inner Light Seriously. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . He was just happy that I was excited about reading. Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. It is definitely a good idea for the LW to lead her daughter by example by showing an interest in Dads interests and even suggesting an outing that he would like or that all of them would enjoy. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. What to do? Hubby drives drunk with our kids! - today.com He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. Is there a middle ground? sarolabelle His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. I honestly think both parents are at fault. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! lets_be_honest Husbands can inadvertently drive their daughters away by overstepping boundaries, being too critical, or taking on too much control. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. Although Mom does need to step up and encourage a stronger relationship between the two of them, its ultimately Dads responsibility to cultivate that relationship. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. EVER. So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. bittergaymark I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. We were so thrilled. July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. Thats still not OK. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! And that is kind of ok out of respect, if he hands me the remote, I put on things hed like, not what i like. My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. Most certainly. Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. he wants to teach her to drive. A: There are two things to consider here. Are any of these familiar to you? Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. I would call that well-rounded. She doesnt want counseling, but maybe parenting classes? Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. Nip . I agree with Wendy here. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. And her ongoing view that this somehow makes her the better parent is definitely bordering on malicious, I got into I Love Lucy and Bewitched thanks to my mom!! My fave was Joey for the record. Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. Usually, yes your car insurance coverage should extend to anyone else driving your car. What is this site, a Masters program? But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. We are this little team of 2. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! She cant meet him halfway if he is putting her down. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. Sometimes those things just happen. Im peace-ing out. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. July 3, 2013, 9:47 am. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. Related- History Channel has some great programming thats HIGHLY educational but fun to watch. Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. He let us put makeup on him. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Something like that might be a good intersection of the father and daughters interests. I helped with yard work. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! Without respect there will be no relationship. He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. I was like 7.) I see his point to some extent. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. I second this. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Here are 16 ways husbands can unintentionally push their daughters away: It can be difficult to maintain a good relationship between your husband and your daughter, but there are a few things you can do to help. I completely agree with you on Buffy. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time.

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