Without hesitation, the man replies, "Cool, which drugs are we testing?". Want to turn someones frown upside down? Submitted by Rita Hickey, A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. Thats the day when I take out the garbage., 16. All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. Liked what you just read? 16. So what have you done with your life? he asks the dog. But they were fully booked. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips He knows when to stop.Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. Months? The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. Teasing in and of itself is not always negativein fact, in many circumstances, it is wonderful. Today I saw something that reminded me of you. I dont know, she replies. ", "Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphy's Lawbut you guysprobablydon't know about Cole's law, am I right? So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Learn them and youll never have that I wish Id said that moment again! I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. I used to be addicted to soap, but Im clean now. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. They make up everything. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. A man is struggling to find a parking space. Im 49.95. When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, Yes, but how much with tax? Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent. A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. If you fell in a bucket of tits, you'd come out sucking your thumb. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. He said, I want you to trace someone for me. Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? An impasta. Theyll be ready next Friday.Submitted by Ronald Moore, A: Cookie sheets. 70. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. We werent looking for the same thing, she explained. Beverly Jenkins is a humor and pop culture writer. Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} Submitted by Christina Melton, I wouldnt want to fly Virgin. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: My friend and I arent able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am. Submitted by Vicki Alum, At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. The older sister paused, then said, Spell mosquito. Im addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, Im not following you.. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party. Jennifer Wright, author, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. He was a tackling dummy. 3. She says, Im here to give you super sex., After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess Ill have the soup., I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman. Steven Wright. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Its better to be late than to arrive ugly. Marilyn Monroe, 24. '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. How are you feeling? she asks. These wiseand often hilariousquotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! Thats when I realized he was her favourite twin. 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners The bouncer says, You cant come in here with a dog., He replies, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?, The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?, I come from a stupid family. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. You do you! Cant you take a joke? The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. All Im saying is, if you caught me, then you were speeding too., 44. I want to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen, The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. I told them: I understand. Sadly, female airline pilots are still relatively rare. Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. Some days you eat salads and go to the gym. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. I found them. My life is a mess, he says. 5. ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. I cant, says the poodle. You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! Uncle Ben has died. Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isnt Google. 2023 Readers Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca. Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. It can reflect how well you know your partner. During the pandemic, my two granddaughterssix and eight years oldwere being home-schooled by their mom. The walls are so clean you cant run up them. Is that the dog were supposed to be aware of? he asks the owner. Im in your driveway., 47. [Read: How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm]. The paramedic says, Are you comfortable?. Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. He shouts to her, Hey, why are you crossing the road? The chicken replies, To change the light bulb in the henhouse. Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? If you smile whilst youre giving your smartass quote, youre going to take away its power. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. Doctor: Im sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? Never trust atoms. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. Winston Churchill, 36. I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. Crime in multi-storey car parks. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. Im doing great! But again the camera flashed. Now, sure. The apprentice did just as he was told. Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop. Well get ready, because Im about to be gorgeous., 27. Dont blame me for your stupidity, take that up with your mom and dad, 49. ._1aTW4bdYQHgSZJe7BF2-XV{display:-ms-grid;display:grid;-ms-grid-columns:auto auto 42px;grid-template-columns:auto auto 42px;column-gap:12px}._3b9utyKN3e_kzVZ5ngPqAu,._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP:before{content:"";margin-right:4px;color:#46d160}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{display:inline-block;word-break:break-word}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-weight:500}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-weight:400;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-top:13px;margin-bottom:2px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO ._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;margin-right:4px;margin-left:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y{border-radius:4px;box-sizing:border-box;height:21px;width:21px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(2),._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(3){margin-left:-9px} Ill ask your sister. What happened to ya?, Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. And theres no better place to be than on your partners team! I asked him, Whats the word on the street?. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. ._3-SW6hQX6gXK9G4FM74obr{display:inline-block;vertical-align:text-bottom;width:16px;height:16px;font-size:16px;line-height:16px} Exit signs? Was anything wrong with them? the clerk asked. Its from Uncle Ben. shein voucher code first order; russ rose salary penn state; bluestacks text not showing; wordle alternative game; what is marco scutaro doing now Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. You should be seeing a psychiatrist, The guys replies, I am seeing a psychiatrist., The dentist says, Well then what are you doing here?. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit., Im not surprised, the head monk says. 72. Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. !" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes 'Submitted by John Langley. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you. Bill Murray, 14. Seeing that she is getting upset, Bill comments, Come on. This is my first day driving a cab. Here are the fascinating origins of classic jokes. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. Laugh more: Corny jokes for kids Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. "Women are like iPhones. Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? Dont miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. New Flat-Panel Television Pitch Turn-Signal Vermilion Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal Netflix-Envelope Scarlet Cubicle Ecru Unraked-Leaves Sienna Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz Blue-Screen-of-Death CobaltSubmitted by Casey Johnston, One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office.

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